One Year!

(If you are looking for Lucy's second a day video, click here).

I just put Lucy down for the night, holding her hand through the crib bars as usual, and closed the chapter of her first year. 

First year of motherhood. 

First year of our sweet Lucy joining us earth side. 

First year of firsts. 

Oh what a beautiful celebration it has been.

I am so grateful to be a mom for so many reasons but I want this post to be more about Lucy-- to document her personality at this stage and the light that she brings to so many people. I never knew one little human could have so much personality and bring the world so much joy!

We started the weekend celebrations yesterday with a small birthday party with friends. (more details below) The cake smash was a little bit anti-climactic at the beginning. She just smashed the berries in between her tiny little pointer fingers and looked around at everyone staring at her. She didn't seem one bit interested in the cake!

Dan dug his hands in for her and we asked her to blow a kiss, which resulted in frosting all over her hair and lots of laughter from the audience. So she kept smacking her head for a reaction. I never knew a one year old could be such a little performer! I still don't know how much of the cake she actually ate but we were all quite entertained by her quality performance.

Then we showed everyone a video I have been working hard on this year. I recorded a second a day of her first year. Am I going to be doing this for all of our other kids? Let's just consider it a first child privilege ;) 

But it was so beautiful to reflect on this journey through life and how much she has changed-- especially with our "village" in the room who have all helped to raise her in some way.

She received so many beautiful gifts from so many wonderful people. I felt so spoiled and they weren't even for me!

But my favorite moment with the gifts was watching her open her doll. I actually found the doll at the thrift store for $1 (winning!) and scrubbed it down real good and then handmade a pillow, blanket and dress for the doll, along with this natural wooden brush. Honestly, it was such a simple (and inexpensive gift) and I wasn't sure how she was going to react to it, but I really wanted to give her something meaningful for this birthday. Her reaction was so priceless. She kept giving her hugs and kisses and wouldn't put her down. Even after everyone left she still held her. It was such a tender mom moment for me to think about her empathetic spirit and how much she really does feel for others emotions (even a baby doll!)

We ended the party with a DANCE PARTY. Lucy has some major moves and dances to any and all music (including sitting in our pew at church haha) It was so fun to share that on her special day! 

Luckily the celebrations didn't end there because there have been birthday waffles, the first snow of the season, more gifts, and lots of FaceTime calls with all the family that doesn't live near us.

Honestly, it has been a perfect celebration in every way and I feel so grateful to have our sweet Lucy in our family. She has changed my perspective on life for all the right reasons. I will never be the same because she entered my life.

Happy Birthday Lucy!

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Birthday Party Details: 
Cake/Cupcakes

Photographer

Banner

Tissue Paper Balloon Additions

Gifts: 
Doll (similar)

Doll Brush 

Blocks

Wooden Xylophone

Book

Ikea Shopping Basket 

Ikea Ring Stacker

---

We ended up using an Ikea gift card for most of her gifts and then her thrift store doll and book.
 (Some of these on the list were given to her by her grandparents and other extended family members!)

Since most of the decor I already had and the food was homemade, it came out to be a very inexpensive party! Score for that one.

Total spent: $25

The Dreaded Term of "Stay At Home Mom"

My adjustment to motherhood has been so different than I ever imagined. 

Today, I decided not to return to work after my maternity leave ends this month. I will still be working with Centsei, and volunteer work but I decided to quit my main job. 

The decision to quit has been quite a roller coaster and I have been going back and forth ever since Lucy was born. (Dan has been so supportive in all of this and was so willing to make it work since I wanted to keep my job even though we are so blessed not to need my income) After lots of prayer and fasting, the decision ultimately came when I sat down to reflect on this past year and make my new years goals for this upcoming year. I thought about who I wanted to become and the type of mom I wanted to be for Lucy and I didn't quite see how this job fit in but I was scared of the alternative-- a stay at home mom. 

I never wanted to be considered a stay at home mom. I don't know why the term has always bothered me but in my head that equated sit-at-home-and-never-leave-the-house-and-be-bored-out-of-your-mind-without-any-adult-interaction-changing-diapers-all-day. No thanks.

It never occurred to me that I might actually WANT to spend all this time with Lucy but I honestly do. It has been so much more rewarding and made me so much happier than I ever imagined. With that said, at this stage in motherhood, (maybe it is because Lucy is such a good baby) it doesn't take up ALL of my time.  

One thing I have learned about myself is that I don't do well with an excess of time. I hate being bored.  I knew maternity leave was going to be hard that way. I knew if I didn't fill my time I would get depressed or spend an excessive amount of time on social media, T.V. or other time wasters. I created a list of my daily six to help me fight postpartum: 

Get outside

Exercise

Scripture study, journal writing, prayer and yoga

Something social

Project

Read

And it totally worked. I have been happy (except for those emotional, hormonal first few weeks. Phew. Dan is a saint!) productive, and fulfilled. It has been an adjustment to be sure but now that I have my daily six down, I am ready to add in my other things with business, volunteering, etc. and maybe someday add more consistent work back into the mix. 

Even now, I don't know if I would be considered a stay at home mom as I will still be working on Centsei, teaching fitness classes and hopefully getting more into real estate (and the 20 other things I want to do) but through this process, I have learned that choosing to be a "stay at home mom" does not have to mean boredom, lack of productivity, social media obsessed, depression etc. Heavenly Father has created us to be stewards of our time. We can choose how we spend it. Some moms choose to work and some don't. Neither is right or wrong. It simply comes down to: who does Heavenly Father want us to become and how are we using our time to get there. I know it will still be a journey and maybe, in a different stage of life, working will be the answer, but for now, I feel confident in the fact that this was MY choice. No one told me I had to do either one. Not the church. Not my parents. Not my husband.

Not even Heavenly Father. I have appreciated that. I look forward to creating a life full of life. 

To live, not just survive and make the best decisions of how to use time.

Update: Have you read 168 hours? It has seriously changed the way I view my time so much! 

The-Completely-On-Purpose-Not-So Planned-Plan

WE ARE HAVING A BABY! WOOOHOOOOO! 

Oh man. It is so surreal to me that there is actually a real, living, breathing, heart beating, human in me. Wow. Life is crazy.

When Dan and I first discussed the kid chapter of our life it was still pretty far away. We wanted a few years to be with each other and travel the world, start a business together etc. I couldn't see how kids worked with all of that. It seemed like a burden that you save for age 30 or something. Sure kids are cute as a button but the timing comes after you have finished everything else. Right?

As we sat down to make our 2018 goals, they were full of bucket list items- go skydiving, live in Europe, become yoga certified in India, buy our first real estate property, move to North Carolina. Yes. When we dream, we dream. Not even two weeks later we were in the temple together. After we came out Dan said he had something to tell me and immediately I knew what it was. I had been feeling like the timing for a baby was much earlier than we had anticipated and had been studying it out for the last semester but in my head, it didn't make sense. I kept thinking of baby names the whole time in the temple but I couldn't figure out where the baby hunger was coming from. I still had to finish school, accomplish my dreams, work a few years and get it all out of my system before my life just ended. 

To me, that is what kids equated. Now, I was to spend the rest of my life cooking and cleaning and stuck at home all day bored out of my mind. But as we discussed and prayed about it I felt the assurance to just trust. 

Two months later we found out I was pregnant. (God works quick huh?)

I have been amazed at how Heavenly Father changes our desires when we are willing. Before we even found out I was pregnant, I was already SO excited about bringing little baby Ockey into this world. I wanted our little family to grow more than anything else. I feel the greatest responsibility but also the greatest honor that Heavenly Father trusts little ol' me to raise this noble spirit. I have never felt so much joy and purpose and he/she isn't even here yet! 

A Christian blogger mentioned this about children: 

"“[Growing] up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood. … Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job, you may have or hope to get.” She then adds: “Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for." 

I think a common misconception with kids is that life. is. over. (Obviously, that is the way it was with me) but really I feel like life is just beginning! Around this same time when I was feeling like my life was going to end when I was pregnant or having kids, I watched The Greatest Showman (Which if you haven't seen it, I give you permission to go watch it right now 'cause I am about to give away the storyline) In the movie the family is so involved in the Dad's business. They hand out flyers, they spend time together. They don't have money and the mom gets to play cops and robbers through loads of laundry. They go through hard times and at one point even lose each other but ultimately realize family means more than all of that. It was such a good reminder for me. 

The family is the greatest joy. I had forgotten this truth. Sometimes in this effort to be "real" I think we talk about all the negativity and hard parts of motherhood. This was a reminder to me that this IS what I want to do. This IS the type of family I want to create. And all of a sudden the timing of everything seemed to actually be perfect. 

Motherhood is so much bigger than cooking and cleaning.  It is about adventuring. Treehouse building. Reading together. Learning together. Creating meaningful friendships. Bike Rides. Deep Talks. Completing the whole bucket list together. Praying together. Leading them to Christ. Creating dreamers and remembering what this is all for. The picture is so much bigger. 

I feel so overwhelmingly blessed and assured that this is what we were created to do. 

Happy Mother's Day! 

ps: If you want a sneak peek at how cute of a dad Dan is going to be.. see the picture below. Gosh, I am so dang lucky. Also, props to Liz on the cute baby pictured that we just couldn't get enough of.  

My Best Friend

Sometimes it is hard to know when exactly our love story began. As you already know there was quite the process on Dan's end for the two years previous to this... But regardless of when it "officially" began, there are definitely monumental moments that are worth celebrating. Today is one of those moments. 

On August 20, 2016 this message arrived in Dan's Facebook inbox: 

Hello. Its me. 

I was going through a bunch of mission stuff today and came across that application I sent you.... Hilarious. You have a gift. 

Butttttttt that's not why I am writing you. I came across that email you sent me forever ago. I had printed it out and it was mixed in with a bunch of old mission letters in my mission chest. I don't know if you even remember sending it but I figured I would send you a quick thank you! You talked about Münster being hard and falling apart and such and, at the time, I didn't really see it.  In my head Münster was perfect. I loved that branch with my whole heart and my little golden flame was burning bright. So I appreciated it but not really as much as I should have. Until now...

I have been having those stinky-get-out-of-my-head-satan type of feelings lately like all my missionary labors were in vain. Like everything is falling apart and the people that joined the church didnt stick. Like I could have done more. Questioning if I really did allllll that Heavenly Father wanted me to. Etc. The list goes on and on. When I read your experience about your father's blessing and Münster being in the lord's hands, I got chills. Seriously. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I know how amazing this work is and sometimes it breaks my heart when the  people I love the most forget that. But just to know that this is all part of his plan is so comforting!! It was just the reminder I needed to kick Satan in the behind and remember where those thoughts are coming from. 

I just wanted to take a quick second to thank you for acting on that prompting and sending me a 2 in the morning email. I appreciate it more than you know!!

I hope everything is going we'll for you and say hi to all of the missionary peeps for me down there in Utah! 

Mikayla 

Little did I know the freak out that would follow.. 

But he calmly and oh so smoothly sent this in return: 

Hey you. 

If you always start your Facebook messages by quoting Adele songs, I don't recommend "I Set Fire to the Rain" and "Never Mind, I'll Find Someone Like You" as your next best intros. 

Oh that application. I'm sure if I read it today I would probably face-palm, but as I am the biggest goober in the world, somethings can't be changed.

Thank you for taking the time to message me. You could of just read that e-mail, enjoyed the warm fuzzies and kept it to yourself, but it seems that you're a person of gratitude, and it uplifted me. So thank you. We need more people in this world like you. 

This is the crazy part:

I was going through my e-mail two days ago looking up things that had Münster in their body or subject so I could organize them. I've been thinking about my mission a lot lately and it's something I felt I should do. I came across that e-mail and read it a couple of times. It was a good reminder for me too when those nasty-awful-untrue-straight-from-the-devil thoughts come into your head. Your message was a confirmation that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my personal thoughts and feelings. Thank you Mikayla. 

You should of seen my face when I read your message. I went from "Mikayla Heywood?" To "what e-mail?" To "OH THAT E-MAIL. Oh my gosh. Thanks Heavenly Father."

I just want you to know that when I went back to Münster and Düsseldorf (JAE's from Duisburg) last summer, you're all anyone could talk about. You really left an impact there, and from what I have heard, everywhere else you went. Nobody can say anything negative about Sister Heywood, because you were  a light, and served everyone around you as the Savior did while you were there.  That's what I was told.

Thank you for choosing to be a missionary, and one of the greats as well. Thank you!!

I would genuinely love to hear about your mission sometime. Maybe sometime in the next two weeks? What days work best for you? I could use a mission-discussion-skype-sesh. 

I will tell all the mission peeps hi, hope your summer is going well as well.  

Dan

The next day was our very first Skype date. August 21st, 2016. Exactly one year from today. We have spent over 180 hours via video calling. And it just so happens that today also marks exactly 4 months of marriage. (Profis over here) As I get all reflect-y today, I think about all that we learned over that skpye time- Breakup stories, philosophies on life, testimony strengthening moments, favorite books, memories, loads of laughter, and dans oh so famous I-want-to -date-your-soul conversation. And yet it was the tiniest amount of knowledge in comparison to the growth we have experienced in the last four months of marriage. I have never been so full of gratitude for such an understanding, patient, strong, loving, considerate, best friend. And that is truly who he is.

My best friend. 

The Unique Beginning-- Dan's Version

It was the last day of my mission. I was sad and excited to be going home. I’d had a great mission, but I knew it was time to go. I was standing in the Frankfurt Germany train station, awaiting the Assistant’s to take us to our hotel. It was going to be good to be home.

 I’d served in a little branch in Münster Germany for a year. One of the sisters who’d also been serving in that area, Sister Teeples, excitedly ran up to me in the train station. She was training and had a brand new companion.

And man was her new companion pretty. In fact, she was probably the most beautiful human being I’d ever seen. I’ll never forget what she was wearing. Her deep brown hair with natural blonde highlights, was curled, she wore a bright orange dress with a spotted blue pattern, a shy smile, excitement and adventure flashed in the brightest, deepest hazel eyes I’d ever experienced, and she just glowed.

“Uh...hi!...N-n-nice to meet you. I’m Eh-Elder Ockey.” I managed to stammer out.

“I’m Sister Heywood! Nice to meet you! So you served in Münster?”

“Yeah!” I felt my cheeks grow hot. Stop it Dan! Keep it together man. I continued:

“Yeah I served there for a year. You’re going to love it!”

And I just talked about how great Münster was. And it was. She smiled kindly, and my heart melted completely and thoroughly in that 2 minutes. I wanted to get to know her so badly! There was something about her I just couldn’t explain. But it was the first day of her mission, and the last day of mine. And I was probably never going to see her again. It seemed that a great 2 minute interaction on a train station in the middle of Europe was the last time I was probably ever going to see my dream girl again.

I’m so glad I was wrong about that.

As I drove away from the train station and looked back, all I could think about was her.

It was as a good thing I was going home.

I sent Mikayla a total of 3 e-mails during her mission, trying to establish contact, build a distant friendship, etc. She shut me down hard core. My e-mails with 10 paragraphs would garner a 3 sentence response. So I gave up on trying, but she never left my mind.

I may of read her mission blog...and talked to members in Germany that were in the wards where she was serving to talk to her about me. Nothing too big, just a reminder every couple of months that I was still there. It wasn’t that way for her whole mission though. I was dating other girls, and even a couple of them seriously, but every time my thoughts turned back to Mikayla. I would break up with them and try some way in vain to talk to the infamous “Sister Heywood.” Eventually though I become frustrated and angry. Why won’t this girl leave my mind? Why can’t I date anyone else without thinking about her? I talked to her for 2 minutes at a train station for goodness sake. LET ME MOVE ON! (You should read some of my journal entries about this, it’s hilarious.)

Mikayla got home in December of 2015, but I didn’t reach out. I wanted to stop thinking about her, not contact her.

In May of 2016, I had just broken up with my ex-girlfriend, and I realized that I needed to at least talk to Mikayla one time, just so I could move on at least. She was dating someone, and from a social media standpoint it looked serious. (I’m so creepy, I know). So I just waited.

Then one day in the middle of August, her profile picture changed from her and boyfriend, to just her. Oh my word. They had broken up!!

I danced out of some crazy, unknown joy in my living room for ten solid minutes.

Then I realized I had to attack. But how?

I knelt down and said a prayer. “Heavenly Father. This girl has been on my mind for two years. I have broken up with 2 girls, not been able to go on dates seriously, and wondered why for so long. If something is supposed to happen here, I need thine help. I don’t know what to do. Maybe she could message me? Maybe she could send me a Facebook Message?”

That would be too good to be true! I ended my prayer, and moved forward. I called my sisters for advice and asked them what I should do. I debated going up to Rexburg to visit friends and message her per Facebook to take her out. I was nervous but excited. Maybe I could finally crack this mystery girl!

2 days after I had said that prayer, I was at dinner with a friend. He was showing me an app on his phone when my phone on the table lit up.

It was a Facebook Message from MIKAYLA HEYWOOD, and it looked like a long message! My face turned ghost white and I almost fell to the floor. My friend asked me if I was okay, and I explained everything to him. I couldn’t believe it! How was this possible?

In her message she thanked me for an e-mail I had sent her almost 2 years previous in my attempts to get to know her while she was on her mission. She had been feeling down about her mission and had been going through her mission stuff and had come across my e-mail. She was touched and reached out to thank me. (With no romantic intentions).

I was so shocked by what had happened I went on a two hour walk. I couldn’t bring myself to respond until the next day. I called my sisters who were familiar with the situation and explained it. They were shocked. I knew this was my window of opportunity. I was not going to let it fly by!

The next day, I responded to her message. At the end, I asked her if she would like to skype and talk about our missions sometime because we’d served in a lot of the same places. I said anytime over the next two weeks would be good.

She responded and said that today would work. I don’t know if my heart has ever beaten so fast.

I was a wreck the 6 hours leading up to call. I couldn’t pay attention in church, and when I got home I paced for 2 hours. My family laughed at me. (I was home for a short summer break).

Finally the appointed time came. I turned on the computer, heart racing, excitement and butterflies all mixed together like a good mexican dish.

I hit the “start video call” button on Facebook.

Mikayla’s face filled the screen. Those hazel eyes and that smile. Man. That glow.

“Hi!!” She said. “How are you?”

I was done for.

Our Story

On July 30th, 2014 I arrived as a missionary in the Frankfurt Germany train station. A very enthusiastic elder welcomed me there and told me all about the exciting things ahead. He explained how he had just served in that very same town for the last year of his mission and how he was now heading home from his mission. That is how we met-- A train station in Germany on the first day of my mission and the last day of his mission.  

As time went on all I ever heard was "Elder Ockey this" and "Elder Ockey that." I heard everything about him from how great of a missionary was to how much he ate. IT DROVE ME CRAZY. They teased me about how perfect we would be for each other and let's just say locking my heart was NOT a problem. That was the last thing I was thinking about. Still he emailed me a couple of times and they were very kind. I would respond... but oh so subtly shut him down. 

And that was that. The end of the Ockey adventure, so I thought. 

 

I returned from my mission and went back to school.  About 8 months home from my mission, I was back in Texas for the summer going through some of my old mission stuff, when I came across one of those emails he had sent me. That email was exactly what I needed to hear. I messaged him thanking him for that. In return we ended up skyping. And never stopped. 3-4 hour Skype sessions were not uncommon. And yet he was still pretty friend zoned. 

At the beginning of that fall semester he offered to pick me up from the airport and took me on our first date. We went to a German restaurant where I barely ate anything and pretty much rejected all of his romantic gestures-airport roses, business dress, road trip snacks. The next weekend he just happened to have an "acapella performance" in Rexburg. (I found out later he really wasn't performing and just wanted to see me). And that is pretty much how the next couple of months went. We skyped for hours. I went on dates with other people. He would send me flowers. I went on dates with other people. He would come visit me. I went on dates with other people. After a while, I started to make excuses to go to Provo but never really admitted it was to see him. We started writing letters to each other each week and "carrier pigeons" would leave me surprises every now and again. He was such a sap and I was falling fast. 

In October, we reached a turning point conversation. Dan expressed his feelings to me more than he ever had before. (I call it our "I want to date your soul conversation" because he literally said that). He told me he wanted to date me and that he would wait for as long as I needed. He wasn't going to bring it up again because he didn't want there to be any pressure or expectation. I realized I really needed to figure out what I was feeling. Whenever I had something exciting, I wanted to tell Dan. Whenever I had a rough day, I wanted to explain it to Dan. I couldn't NOT talk to him and that was a scary thought. I was addicted....and so I cut out all other dates. Thus began no-date-november. One weekend he was in Rexburg and we went on a walk. I wanted to show him this cool place I had found and I honestly didn't think of it as a romantic place at all. We arrived at this bridge right around sunset and Dan couldn't resist a random slow dance. There we were standing in a blanket on the bridge and my spaghetti thoughts were going a mile a minute. I thought about all of the things I was feeling. How respectful he had been of where I was at. How much I realllllly liked him. And, although he definitely went 90%,  I kissed him. That was a HUGE stepping stone for me because I was the one to make the choice. 

I debated back and forth if he should come with me to Arizona to visit all of my extended family for Thanksgiving because I didn't want it to be a huge commitment. 9 hour road trip for the books. He told me he loved me that weekend. I have never felt such deep and sincere feelings from someone. From there, things just got better and better. I decided to let myself feel and let my heart out from lock and key. On the last day of the semester I made a very spontaneous decision to drive down to Salt Lake City to meet up with him. After finals, packing, cleaning and moving my entire house in record time, I drove down to Salt Lake. As I stood there stranded in the middle of this big city, I felt it more than ever. I was literally giddy. I just stood on the curb laughing to myself like a crazy person. That night was perfect. Because I let myself fall. I let myself feel. I loved him. And then I was dumb and didn't tell him. We went our separate ways for Christmas and I immediately wished I would have told him. Every 5 hour conversation we had over that break, I felt it. I still don't know why that was so hard for both of us to be apart because we had only ever known long distance, but I wanted to be with him so bad. So he bought a standby ticket and the day after Christmas there he was, in San Antonio, Texas, driving with my family to go camping on the border of Mexico. I could finally tell him I loved him. Mosquito bitten and all. What a beautiful feeling that was. 

As we began the next semester, I decided to take online classes so that I could move to Provo at the end of February. I realized again how deep my feelings were. I was giving up everything I had built since being home from my mission to move somewhere for someone that I wasn't even sure about. I realized that I had no back up plan. Dan Ockey was my 2017 plan. But I wasn't scared. Rather I was so excited for the adventures.

On January 28, 2017 was the biggest surprise of my life. I went down to Provo for what I thought was going to be another ordinary week in Danland. We drive up and see a bridge with a whole bunch of balloons tied to it. As we are walking up to it, I see pictures of our relationship all along the bridge, candles from when we would go to Walmart and try to make each other guess what scent they were, Martinellis from one of our first dates, roses from the airport adventure story (Ask Dan to tell you that one) and so many other things that represented our story. Dan tuned to me and said "I know the ring isn't here but I just wanted to do something nice for you in between." So after all of this, I STILL didn't think we were getting engaged that day. Dan started telling me all of these things he loved about me and then he says "And because of all this, I choose you.." and begins to kneel down as he is pulling out the most beautiful ring. I had the feels bad. It was the most beautiful moment of my life to this point. Everything just felt so good and right. 

Two and a half years ago I would have NEVER thought Dan would be a part of my life. Now I can't imagine life without him. I think about this whole process and how we got to this point. How we had both been through so much and learned so much and how we felt like Heavenly Father had led us to each other. I really cannot even express how grateful I am to have someone as wonderful as Dan Ockey to spend eternity with. 

I cannot wait to marry him on April 21st, 2017. 

I love him with my whole soul.